


Death is(not) a Relief

by Loukreswag



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alex has a home in florida, Alexander and Lafayette are a thing of the past, Alexander misses his mom, Because people like me exist, Drunkenness, He can't handle his emotions, I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up To No Good, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I regret this, Kissing, M/M, Maria is innocent in this and is sipping, Martinis in heaven with Peggy, Polyamory, Song: Nightmare by Set It Off, Stripping, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, They ain't dead but they aint mentioned, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, This a vent fic, What Was I Thinking?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-22
Updated: 2017-10-22
Packaged: 2019-01-21 07:18:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12452394
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loukreswag/pseuds/Loukreswag
Summary: John snuck a hand under Alexander’s shirt and kissed his own wrist through it. “Alex, you were married. You divorced Liza after you cheated. You told her she deserved better.” He reminded him.





	Death is(not) a Relief

Alexander watched himself crawl towards his mother, beer bottle held tightly in his hand. This where and what he did to unwind, relieve himself from stress. He came home, his first American home down in the lower tip of Florida, and drank himself stupid watching home videos of his life on Nevis. His mother had bought this house when he was merely seven months old and had managed to keep him until he was three years old. It wasn’t her fault they got sent back to the Caribbean, it was his father’s. He had been buying alcohol and gambling with the rent money instead. The landowner eventually kicked the family out, sending them back to Nevis since they weren’t even there legally. Things got worse from there on but this is supposed to be a cheering up party not a pity one. His mother was the only good thing he had, father gone and brother went off with his girlfriend early, so it was nice to see her love him from the time they shared alive.

 

Right now, Alexander was around eighteen months old and crawling around for the first time. Initially, he was crawling to his mother but wanting to hold off this special moment longer, Rachel moved every time he was a few inches away with a light-hearted giggle. Thirty year-old Alexander tried not to laugh when baby Alexander screamed in frustration and charged at her, head-butting her clothed knees and not giving a single damn. Rachel cheered and lifted the child up to press a loving kiss to his cheek. Alexander paused the video and took a minute to take in the scene as he always did at this part. It gave him the perfect angle to see her entirely and note the similarities between them.

He downed the rest of his drink and started his normal routine. He lifted a hand and took a few strands of his own. Just like he did, Rachel had her own inky black waves held back in a long braid but the uncontained strands took a gorgeous curve inward at the bottom while his hair took a small curve outward. Her eyes were wide, like his, as if she could take in the world in them and see it fifty different ways all at once. Her lips were soft and pink, a little chapped too but still pretty like rose petals. Alexander’s wasn’t exactly pink, they had a particular brown tint to them. Another feature to note, were the cheeks. This was something Alexander took a bit longer to figure out. On her left cheek, below her eye was a natural beauty mark but on Alexander, the mark was on the right.

At first when he was twenty, he thought it was the way he watched the video. So he went a got mirror hoping that the reflection would fix it. He held it up on the end of the bed, facing the television and sat next to the screen. Both marks were on opposite sides. Then, when he was twenty-three, he tried flipping upside down. All he got out of that is a head rush and an even worse hangover in the morning. One miraculous day when he was about to enter the tape upside down, he realized it was genetics. He had inherited the mark and it simply was on opposite with him than it as with her. He accepted that he couldn’t do anything to change that, three months later.

Her wide hips were next on the list since he those too. Alexander’s hand slid from his cheek to his left hip in a slow, diagonal line. There sat a birthmark in the shape of an unbalanced scale. He couldn’t see the mark due to the diaper but he liked to believe that it was balanced when she was alive. Alexander never really knew he had a birthmark until after she died and seeing it for the first time after he tried to drown himself the day of her funeral. He wondered if she had a birthmark on her hip or if it was on the other side as well but didn’t think that it was that possible.

She had high cheekbones and dimples, the former is the only thing Alexander got out of the two. He was a near exact copy of her, more like a reflection. And with reaccepting that fact, he resumed the video and watched her hug and kiss him. He giggled and reached out for the strands that framed her face, getting them tight in his tiny baby grip. Damn he was small, still is. A loud knocking shook him out his daze. He once again paused the video and went to answer the door of the one-floored home. He sniffed and wiped his hair from his face and opened the door. “Hello?”

“Hamilton?”

Oh shit. Alexander’s eyes shot open to hoping it wasn’t him but because life likes to fuck him sideways, it was. He plastered a smile that was a bit too wide due to the alcohol still coursing in his system. “Hey, Madison. How did you manage to locate me?” Whoa, still able to use words like manage and locate. Neat. The man blinked and glanced behind him, not answering the damn question. “Can we come in?” He asked instead. Madison looked halfway to retract his question but Alexander was alert. “Who the hell is we, Madison?”

James slowly pointed to the grey SUV in the driveway. Having to squint due how dark it was outside, Alexander realized who was in it. Jefferson glaring from behind the wheel in all his pissy glory, Burr watching from the driver’s seat, with John and Washington sitting in the backseat having a discussion. Alexander sighed and looked up, promptly giving Karma a one finger salute, before looking back at the car. “Everyone but Jefferson can come in.” He answered. Madison frowned. “All of us. Please?”

Alexander groaned and James’ beamed. He turned and gave the others the okay. The first one out was John and he ran inside faster than Alexander could stop him. Alexander turned and ran after him, momentarily ignoring the other visitors. “John, wait!” But it was too late. John found himself in the living room, the woman on the screen frozen, trying to get her baby to let go of her hair. “Damn, Alex. I didn’t know that you had a sister. I would smash. Is she here?”

“No and she never will be,” Alexander answered, walking over to the television and cut it off. “That’s my mother you’re talking about fucking so, to put it kindly, shut the fuck up.”

That’s the moment the rest of the group joins them and Thomas leans against the wall, smug smile on his dumb face. “Who mom are we fucking?” Alexander whirled around, frown sketched deep on his face. Thomas just laughed because he knew that Alexander’s mother was damn near only person he held close to his heart. Washington stopped Hamilton before he could cross the room and strangle the man. James and Aaron had taken a seat on the bed and watched the scene with no commentary. Thomas did not flinch one bit, just kept smirking. It’s barely been a minute and everything has gone to shit.

“You must be one of those touchy drunks eh, Alexander?” Jefferson goaded. Washington had to tighten his grip on the smaller man. Alexander bared his teeth, growling. “Shut the hell up, Jefferson,” he turned to James and glared, “This why I didn’t want him here.” Madison just turned his gaze and looked at Thomas, eyes telling him to stop while he was ahead. Once again, Thomas laughed. Aaron came up and pulled Alexander close in what was supposed to be a hug but it was more of a headlock due to one arm around the back of the Caribbean’s neck and the other hanging by his side.

Alexander stilled and took a deep breath. While most people thought he was hot-headed and reckless, only a few knew how he really was. He was actually quite calm and collected. He only got aggressive when he felt strongly about the subject being spoken about, the subject now being his mother. He went to turn around, knowing that Jefferson still had that stupid smug look, but stayed put when Aaron flexed his arm. A minute or two later, Washington addresses the current state of the room.

“Hamilton, why is there a bed in here when you have a couch right there?”

Alexander relaxed and wrapped his arms around Aaron’s waist. The man was warm and he really needed some human contact at the moment. “Because I don’t go anywhere else in the house except here, the bathroom, and the kitchen.” Washington hummed and kicked one of the glass bottles littering the floor. “And the empty bottles? How much have you drank?” Alexander thought for a moment and shrugged. “’Bout fifteen. My wasted amount is twenty-seven,” he informed, letting Aaron guide his back to the bed.

Aaron shifted him so he faced the black screen of the television. John was nowhere to be found and Washington had begun to pick up the bottles. Alexander sighed and leaned against Burr. “Where’s John?” James pointed towards the kitchen which was diagonal to the living room while Thomas sat down on the couch next to the bed. John came back in with a new case of beer. “I got last batch and don’t believe that, his number is twenty-two. Twenty-seven is his throw up and pass out amount.” He sat the case down and handed everyone a bottle except for Washington and Burr, leaving eight. Alexander called dibs.

John sat down next to Alexander and Burr, James and Thomas sat on the couch, and Washington sat on the floor and facing them. All was quiet for a while, everyone drinking in silence and peace until Alexander crawled into Aaron’s lap, somehow triggering the man’s curiosity. “Why are you all the way down here, Alexander?” Alexander took another swig of his drink and licked his lips. His head lolled onto Aaron’s chest and he swirled the bottle, slowly. “This is my happy place,” he said as if in as daze, “This where I go to make myself happy. I drink and spend time with my mommy. She’s pretty great.” He lifted his head away to look over at Jefferson who had started snickering. “I still don’t appreciate you and John’s little comments. You have no right. How would you feel if I said I wanted to fuck the living daylights out of Jane, huh?” Thomas drained the bottle and smashed it against the wall before pointing the sharp end towards Alexander. “I wouldn’t feel shit but you, on the other hand, will feel a lot.” Alexander started to scramble over the man he was sitting on to get to the foul Virginian but John grabbed his legs and Aaron grabbed his arms.

James went over Thomas and calmly picked up the broken glass, not cutting his hand. He tossed the glass in the nearby trashcan and took the weapon from his friend and doing the same. “Then don’t speak of his mother that way, Jefferson,” Washington said, taking off his tie. The crickets outside had started to chirp and the harmony shifted the group back to their silence, just listening to nature’s orchestra. Burr combed through Alexander’s locks with his fingers, mesmerized by how the strands moved like waves over his fingers. John scooted upward to watch the show too. Now, there were only five full bottles left in the case. James didn’t want any more to drink.

Alexander reached up to grab Burr’s other hand and held it, intertwining their fingers. John had snuggled into his stomach and Washington just watched, waiting for something to happen. “Aaron, you’re such a good boyfriend.” And there it was. Aaron looked down at Alexander. “We’re not dating, Hamilton,” Alexander nodded slowly, drinking from his bottle again. “Right, you have Theodosia right? Right. She’s great. Why don’t I get married? Aren’t I married?” He whispered. Washington grabbed a beer and opened it. One couldn’t hurt. Four.

John snuck a hand under Alexander’s shirt and kissed his own wrist through it. “Alex, you were married. You divorced Liza after you cheated. You told her she deserved better.” He reminded him. Madison crawled onto the bed behind the trio and watched Burr play with Alexander’s hair. Thomas had gotten on the floor with Washington and watched them, deciding to play spectator too. Alexander frowned at his bottle, seeing as it was empty and whined. John reached down and George handed him a new one, handing that one to the man and taking away the empty bottle. Three.

Alexander sat up, disrupting the braid Burr had started, and straddled the man’s waist. “Aaron, you’re the best.”

“You’re drunk.”

“I haven’t reached twenty-seven yet.”

“You don’t need to.” Alexander sighed and wrapped his arms around Aaron’s neck. “Yes, I do. I always reach at least twenty-seven when I stay here. That’s when my mom…” He trailed off. He turned to John and let the man take off his shirt. John folded the shirt and laid it on the floor. Jacky understood, he always understood. Except, Jacky has never been here. None of them have. “How did you all find me? Not even Eliza knows about this place.” Washington stood up, shirt unbuttoned and shoes off. “We found you using this app John installed on your phone a while back,” he sat down on the bed on the opposite side of Burr, “You left the office in such a hurry. We brought Thomas and James along because you left right after a meeting and you were upset. Thomas needed, needs, to apologize. We thought you were going to your apartment at first but then you turned and went to the airport and we decided to stop there. Then, we decided to go after you later.”

Oh, now he understood. Alexander never planned these trips, they were spontaneous vacations, each one lasting between three to seven days. He kept a suitcase packed in his trunk with around a thousand in cash in a small plastic bag inside with a week’s worth of clothes. He had memorized the way to the airport like he memorized his address. Not the Grange address, no. He left the house to Eliza and moved into an apartment. That day, Jefferson had kept tearing his plan apart, hadn’t him get a word in or defend himself, and then proceeded to rip into Hamilton’s personal life. It was suffocating. Everything he was bottling up became too much and he had to leave. He hadn’t known about them following.

Alexander let John remove his pants. “Okay, but I cut my phone off, completely during my flight. How did you use that app if my phone was off?” Everyone froze and looked at each other until Aaron decided to tell the truth. “Lafayette. He said you brought him here with you once. We lost you in North Carolina and we called him.” James nodded and rested his hand on the immigrant’s exposed thigh, handing him another full beer. Two.

“So he told you.” “Only the part where you two had sex and decided to never do it again.” Thomas mumbled. It was true. Alexander had brought the Frenchman down to Florida after having a brutal argument with Eliza, one thing led to another, and they ended up having sex. The morning after, Lafayette told him it could never happen again and he agreed. They both were in relationships at the time and they decided to tell their partners the truth. Hercules was angry but forgiven them and the same thing went for Eliza. The only reason why Lafayette had not broken up with the Irishman was because he was a selfish man and he loved Hercules too much to let him go. Eliza had wanted Alexander to be selfish, wanted him to fight to keep her but he was not ready for that. Will never be ready to fight for a woman who deserved so much better than he. Alexander came back to realize he was drinking the last drop of the last bottle. He looked around and sighed. One.

James had pulled him into his lap, Aaron wrapped his legs around his waist, John had his arms around his middle, and Thomas was rubbing his thighs, whispering ‘sorry’. He had felt a kiss pressed hot onto his lips when the bottle was taken away from him. Opening his eyes, there was George who had somehow wedged himself into the tangle. George put the bottle on the ground and put his hands on both sides of Alexander’s face. They stared at each other before George swooped back in and kissed him again. He was a great kisser. Just when Alexander had gotten used to the situation between them, someone pulled his face away and replaced the other man’s lips with their own. It was John this time, the kiss was more feverish with him. While George was more of a comfort kisser, John was a passionate one. He made sure alexander felt every ounce of love he felt for him in that kiss, managed to slip the tip of his tongue in his mouth when Alexander was once again, pulled into another kiss.

Madison. This one, this one was. James was a tender kisser, was gentle and patient with him. He kissed lightly and longer, like a lover would kiss after a long night of love-making. Alexander opened his mouth and expected James to take this kiss further but he was yanked away. Thomas wasted no time in shoving his tongue in his mouth, exploring the hot cavern with vigor. The Virginian held no mercy, thrusting the muscle in and out. Alexander couldn’t help the gasps and moans. Thomas was seductive. He was fast but his technique was brilliant. What he did with his mouth led the one he was kissing to imagine the things he could do with other parts of his body. He was promising Alexander a night of restlessness and adventure and Alexander was all in. Until Aaron got him. Aaron has got to be, the best. He was a charmer. He took breaks, letting Alexander breathe, and switched between tongue and no tongue like a snake. Alexander found himself crawling into the kiss, letting Aaron take him away in the kiss. It was everything. All too soon, it ended. He was left breathless and drunk.

“Please,” he begged, eyes darting at the men surrounding him. He needed them to do something, anything. He was desperate. John smiled and pulled him off the bed to his feet. “Where are you, Alex?” Alexander whined. John shook his head and asked again. _“Where are you?”_

“At home.”

“Home where?”

“Florida.”

“Why do you come home?”

“I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do.”

“Alexander, there are pain-pill bottles under the pillows and they’re all empty.” Thomas said from behind him. He held them out in front of the man’s face. Alexander shook his head. “Those aren’t mine.” Aaron walked up beside John with more bottles. “You have people over here?” A shake of the head was the answer. “Then whose are they?” Alexander looked away. “James, go check the bathroom.”

 _All Hell broke loose_.

Washington had to pin Alexander to the floor, hands behind his back and legs spread wide, the man below screaming for James to stop. He slammed his head onto the flooring, loud thuds filling the room until Thomas’ hands held him still. He tried to twist himself free of Washington and Thomas but they did not yield.

James stuck his head out the bathroom door. “Aaron, John. Come look at this.”

Upon entering the bathroom, Aaron and John were greeted with an ice bath, a sink full of empty bottles, a bloody razors littered the sides of the toilet. John walked over and stuck his hand in the bath, hissing immediately and pulled it out. It was still freezing. James looked at the razors and sighed. The blood was old and the razors were dirty. The thing is, Alexander had no cuts on his body. Anywhere. The alcohol, the pills, the bath, and the razors gave them the hint that they needed. The one thing they hadn’t found out about the man screaming in the other room until now.

Thomas and George had managed to calm him down and had him spread out their laps, legs on Thomas and head on George. John stopped in the doorway and stayed there, claiming that he couldn’t deal with the man at the moment. James and Aaron nodded and went on into the room. Aaron crawled onto the bed behind the three and sat there, not saying a word. James knelt down at the foot of the bed and looked up at Alexander. He tried to get the Caribbean to look at him but he wouldn’t.

“Hamilton, we need to address this. You have a problem.”

Alexander shook his head and kept his face in George’s chest. He didn’t want to talk about it. He wanted to held, wanted what they had moments ago. He doesn’t want this, doesn’t want the digging and poking. Lafayette had given him what he wanted and so had Eliza. Why can’t they do the same? He buried deeper into the broad chest and asked for the one person he hoped would do the job. “Jacky?”

John stayed quiet and stared at the floor. He hadn’t moved from his spot in the doorway and will not. “John, please.” John glanced up at the now shaking man but did not dare say a word. Seeing what this man had willingly done to himself, hurt. Alexander stopped asking for him and sat there. The silence consuming the room was not as comfortable as it was before. It wasn’t peaceful, it was war. Alexander versus everyone, including himself. He couldn’t do this right now. He refused to. He should not have let them in, made them stay outside.

“You didn’t do all of this tonight, did you?”

“Do you do this every time you come here?”

“Alexander, how long have you been doing this?”

“How could you do this to yourself?” 

“You need help.”

“This has got to stop.”

“You’re so stupid for trying this."

“You’re lucky we came here in time.”

“We’re going to have to pump your stomach before any significant damage is done.”

 _“I just want my mama back.”_  

All talking ceases. Alexander stands up and lets his hair fall over his face. He stands there for a moment before walking past John and into the kitchen. “I miss her so much. She can make everything better. It’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair,” he leans over the kitchen sink and hurls. He waits until the moment passes before sticking his fingers down his throat and forcing himself to throw up again. He waits again and repeats the action over and over until his stomach is empty. “I just want to see her smile again. I can barely remember her holding me and all I’ve got are videos of her. She loved me when no one else did and she’ll love me after all of you don’t.” He turned around and walks back in the room, kneels in front of the television and cuts it on. He presses play and just sits there, not looking at the video but listening. " _Mama_ loves me, _Mama loves_ me, _Mama loves me_.” John sat down in his spot and watched Alexander. “I love you.”

Aaron lays his hand on top of Alexander’s head. “I love you.”

George rubs his shoulder. “We all love you, Alexander.”

James nodded and kissed his cheek, “We really do.”

Thomas moved John into the room and laid his head down on Alexander’s thighs. “And we want to help. Let us.”

“There’s no one for you to help.”


End file.
